Category Archives: Emotions

The Hummer

Ruby-throated hummingbird

The windows were going to be cleaner than they’d been in years because of the theory of “One thing leads to another.” I’d awakened with a single thought: “I’m tired of looking through the solar screens to see our resident hummingbirds!” Why continue to complain when you can take action?

Morning coffee finished and still in my sleep shirt, I headed out to the deck where I removed the dark grey screens from our three kitchen/dining area windows. In doing so, however, I noted the accumulated filth around and on the windows themselves. That’s when my path became clear.

By now, I’d swept around the windows to remove the spider webs, dead bugs, and sand and the heat had begun. My “break” lasted only until I noticed the vast array of dirt-coated water spots that now obscured my view. It became clear that there was much more work to be done!

To abbreviate this a bit, as I sat inside sipping ice water and resting, something hit the window! A beautiful little hummer had flown into it, then, confused, toward another window and right to the skylight over the porch and decking! Trying to fly upward toward the sky he saw battered him into exhaustion so occasionally he rested on a tiny ledge, panting, until he could try again and again. I simply could not be the cause of the little bird’s death and the thought of my clean windows having played a huge part screamed at my heart.

As I do so often, I took the problem to my Lord for I had to help the little guy! One thought led to another and I began to weep. I was willing to do anything to save the frightened, helpless creature. God had sent His precious Son to save me and you so surely I could rescue one little hummingbird! Though my brain is limited, an idea began to hatch.

What was needed became obvious when I saw the long-handled fishing net that hubby uses when the boys are visiting. After covering the netting tightly with a pillowcase I asked God to help me. The exhausted little bird, hesitantly at first, saw what he needed to do. Getting the courage that was needed took a few minutes but he finally eased his little feet around the cloth-covered rim of the net as I spoke softly to him and continued to pray.

No prayer is wasted! Not even those sent up for a tiny bird in distress. The little guy trusted me enough to finally step onto the loop at the end of a pole. Now, more tears flowed when he actually stayed on as I moved the net slowly down…then out from under the overhang. Once he saw that he was under the open, real sky again, he was gone.

Yes, the hummer was gone from sight but not from mind. He’d been shown the way to safety but (like us all) he first had to put his trust in someone outside of himself. Someone who loved him for the creature he was and someone who was willing to go that “extra mile.” Jesus Christ did that for you and me in performing a single act of unconditional love.

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder

From Silver to Gold

Earlier in the day I’d had trouble seeing the inside of a beautiful, unusually shaped ring that I’d recently found in a local schoolyard while detecting. Rather than being flat, it was almost tubular with the inside wall of the tube cut away so that it could rest on a finger. I mentioned to hubby that I thought there was something written or stamped inside but that I couldn’t tell exactly what it was. 

A few minutes later, as I stood in the shower, he popped into the bathroom to say that he’d managed to view the questionable mark with his tiny magnifying glass and that it was “925.” That’s the mark indicating that the metal is actually silver. 

“Silver!” My mind raced back to the time when Mom embarrassed my first husband. It hadn’t been intentional on her part but, in retrospect, I must admit that she tended toward the unusual in many ways. Time would prove that he didn’t handle “unusual” very well.  

Sadly, I don’t remember the exact set of circumstances, but I think that Mom was picking us up from the airport for some reason. We were riding the train system from point A to point B. As you’d expect, there were a few other people around. That failed to stop Mom’s somewhat strange, spontaneous sense of humor, however. 

Suddenly, she began looking right…then left…then right again. Her expression was one of both wide-eyed excitement and determination. Quickly standing, she crouched and moved conspicuously down the aisle — attracting a bit more attention. (She tended to be very dramatic when given the opportunity.) Once she reached her objective, she stopped and again looked around excitedly. Without saying a word, she slowly reached toward something that was on the floor. By this time, I was wondering, “Oh no! What-in-the-heck are you up to!” and, like me, he was watching every move. 

Moving quickly, she pulled a bright metal object to her breast then, after examining her “prize,” as though in triumph, she raised a shiny stainless steel spoon above her head and declared in a loud, clear voice, “SILLLVERRR!” 

Ah, yes, it was obvious that my husband had seen nothing that he considered to be funny. As a matter of fact, his five-o’clock-shadowed chin quivered though he didn’t even acknowledge that anything had happened. That should have spoken volumes to me but, at the time, I didn’t see it. This was likely the exact point in time at which husband #1 decided that he could never like…much less love the eccentric, outspoken woman who was my Mom. She had just forced him to experience one of those “I-want-to-crawl-in-a-hole” type moments. 

Mom’s been dead for almost thirty years so I relished the time spent standing in the shower being pelted with thoughts of her and the unusual woman she had been. It was that single memory which put the smile on my face as the hot water washed over me. Even today, I can’t help but smile when I think of that…and her many other idiosyncratic antics and behaviors. Thank you, Lord!

Christ in Her Eyes

It’s said that critters have no souls – much less huge brain power. And, in my mind, that’s likely true. However, God has put them on this earth and in our lives for a reason. Occasionally, they serve a much larger purpose than one might expect.

Suzi grooved on greeting me immediately when I walk into the door. That particular day was no different…with one exception. She moved up toward me as I moved down toward her. (Dachshunds are pretty short, you know.) For lack of a better word, I “scrunched” her beautiful black and tan face and head between my hands (giving her lots of extra wrinkles) as she sniffed my face thoroughly. Our eyes met and I fell into their deep brown.

“I love you. I’ll defend you. I love you. I’d die for you. I love you. Walk with me. Talk to me. Touch me. I love you more than you can know. Spend time with me. I depend on you. You depend on me. I love you. I died for you…” The entire thing was pretty overwhelming!

Then it dawned on me that, in that split second, Christ had asked our sweet, loving pup to serve as His vessel…a medium of sorts. He had something to say and chose her through whom to speak.

The words had filled my head so quickly that I was stunned. Why those particular words and why then? Questions remain unanswered — for my own brain is far too small. But there was a purpose. There always is.

Now I’m prodded to ask a question. When God looks into my eyes…and my heart…what does He see? I think that a prayer that I said quite awhile back still applies: “Father, may the me that I am better reflect the You that You have always been. Amen.”

For the sake of some interaction, let me pose a question to you. (Yes…YOU!) What does God see when He looks into your eyes? Or, what do you want Him to see? Answer in the form of a comment. There’s no need to be shy for, after all, we do share the same Father. I look forward to your response.

That’s a very personal question so, an answer isn’t needed unless you feel comfortable. Instead, feel free to simply respond with a comment on what you think about what I’ve shared here. This was written before her passing before me and I’ve made slight changes here and there.

My Words Bounced Back and Hit Me In the Heart!

Columbia
Image via Wikipedia

Once you throw something out, there’s a chance that it will come back to you. That very thing happened to me not to long ago.

I opened an envelope from my precious Aunt Mary (who really isn’t my aunt…but my second cousin). She had kept an email that I’d written in 2003 and wanted me to have it back. Her words, though simple, were priceless to me. She told me that she had been inspired by what I’d written as much now (upon re-reading it) as she had been when I’d sent it to her so many years ago.

Sometimes I’m a writer — but most often I’m not. But, after reading my own email which was returned to me on April 5, 2011, I can say that on February 3, 2003…I might actually have been a writer. That really isn’t for me to say so I’ll let you be the judge.

It’s subject was: My thoughts on Columbia

“When I’m depressed I tend to go to bed way earlier than my norm. Yesterday was one of those days.

I’d awakened the previous beautiful morning to bright blue cloudless sky and a couple of computer-related things to do so, as was my custom, I came in, sat down, then turned on my little TV…mostly for the noise I suppose. Sadly, it presented me with much more than ‘just noise.’ The shuttle Columbia was breaking up.

My heart sank into a hole and I called my kids in Arlington (just southwest of Dallas) to warn them not to touch anything unusual that might be a part of the fallen bird. As I suspected, they knew nothing…living in their own world of sleeping as much as possible. I cried as we spoke about the catastrophe.

Yesterday was but one day past and still it lingered in my mind. There was something about that flight patch which had been found in perfect condition… Perhaps it was a symbol, left quietly in a patch of grass, of the seven souls whose lives, now with God, are NOW in perfect condition?

They were blessed…for each was doing what he or she WANTED to do! How many of us can say that? The decisions that led them to that day were ones that they didn’t regret…for they were on a mission! They had a goal! And, in their taking off…they had accomplished that goal! How elated they must have been!

The devastating event which happened was only a bump in their road for, even today…they fly on! It is their families and friends who now have gaping holes in their hearts and lives. My prayers are with them.

Our country is a better place for having had them here with us for some 40+ years and, though their bodies have been ripped from the fabric of our country, we will mend. Some will become stronger, even more dedicated people as a result of what we, as a people, experienced the morning they fell. HE will work wonders…for through this grief, there will be miracles…and lives and hearts will change!

Praise God!”

White Knuckles Strike in Highschool, on a Motorcycle, and in the Dentist’s Chair!

Most days seem to click along like the hands of a clock. We go about our day with a song in our heart and are truly thankful for life and the blessings thereof. For the most part, I’m fairly self-aware. But there are some days that serve to remind me of my many limitations. Of course, there are several ways that God could use to point them out to me. Several times, though, He’s presented me with what I call “white knuckle time.”

The first one that I can recall, happened in Bellaire High School. A friend backed me up against the wall of an exterior walkway and accused me of breaking a confidence with which I’d been entrusted. At the time, I couldn’t believe what was happening. The more she talked, the tighter my fists became. How dare she question my integrity! Yes, being a “tomboy”…I had the urge to hit her so that she would feel the same hurt that she was causing to me. Yes…barring unforeseen disease, I’ll never forget that event. Those particular white knuckles appeared in anger. And, I’m still not comfortable with anger but, I suppose it’s there…lurking deep beneath the tranquil exterior.

Deal’s Gap was probably the next memorable time that the white knuckles appeared. My friend and I were on one of our many motorcycle adventures. In our travels, a total stranger (an ex-motorcyclist, if I remember correctly) had asked, “Are you goin’ to ride Deal’s Gap?” That was all it took! We only had a vague idea of what the ride would be. Had we known more about it, we probably would have reconsidered. Imagine 318 turns (curves) in 11 miles of a two-lane highway with no guard rail!! US 129 has been a killer to many but we didn’t know it…yet. It winds its way up and over the mountains of Tennessee into North Carolina. Anyway, without going into detail, I’ll just say that, when I realized what we were doing, it was too late to back out and the first words outta my mouth were, “Oh, shit!!” I’ll be honest with you. I don’t remember ever being that frightened at any other time in my entire life! During the ride, I prayed constantly that we’d both make it through Deal’s Gap alive and with our bikes in one piece. So…yes. I’ve known fear and those white knuckles appeared once again as I hung on “for dear life.” My own adventuresome spirit had gotten me into a most uncomfortable situation. As petrified as I was, though, I’ll have to admit that the entire experience was quite a “rush!”

I’m almost ashamed to admit this other white knuckle experience. Since the man has to be dead by now, I’ll blame it on Dr. Cooksy. He was the earliest dentist that I can remember. The one who told Mom that I didn’t need braces…when they’d have really helped the alignment of my lower teeth. He was also the only dentist I’ve ever known that actually had halitosis! Yup, that’s right. A dentist who had bad breath!! We should have walked out then…but we didn’t. Anyway, I think that he’s the source of my fear of drilling, smells, and possible pain in the dentist office. It seems that, rather than outgrowing that fear, it’s actually worsened through the years. Just last week one of my teeth cracked next to an old silver filling. So, there I sat in the dentist’s chair at his mercy. The peculiar thing about the situation was that I lay there with lots of hands and tools in my mouth and each of my own hands gripped the arms of the chair…as tears trickled from my eyes. There was no hiding my feelings! Quite simply, I’d temporarily reverted back to my childhood.

So, now that you know what “white knuckle time” is…what causes yours? I’d love for you to share in your comment.

Indictment Covered in Dust

I don’t know how you are but I hate to clean house! Years ago I told my hubby that he and I could clean the house together on one day of the weekend and we wouldn’t need to pay someone else to do it. His time must have been far more important to him than money for, from that day on, we’ve paid a lovely lady to clean the main part of our home a couple of times a month. There are certain rooms, however, that (for one reason or another) we close off when she comes. Why pay to have the seldom-used rooms cleaned? I’d take care of those when it became necessary. On THIS DAY, it was critical!

The panic had set in! My son and his family were comin’ for Thanksgiving and I had to get serious about dusting the super sentimental entertainment center in what once had been “Mom’s Room.” Talk about motivation to clean!! I was under the gun! Company (even family) has always forced me to really get the house in shape. Picture this. My normally neatly spiked white hair looked more like a horribly abused toothbrush. Comfort was my uniform of the day so my very informal sleepwear was perfect. Struggling to finish my first of many tasks for the day, my nose had begun to drip profusely. Why? Dust has been one of my highest allergens for as long as I can remember. Anyway, there I was…plopped on laminate flooring that reminded me that my tail bone had once been broken. I was pooped! Many trips up and down a little ladder takes its tole.

I’ve placed the piece of mostly oak so that I can see it from my desk and filled it with memories and parts of my past in the form of many of my favorite things. You know all about momentous, souvenirs, some of Mom’s more interesting collections, etc.. You likely have similar items in your own home. And I bet your collection gets dusted infrequently, too.

I’d spent a couple of hours removing treasures from every shelf and caressing each lovingly with a damp cloth. After all, this accumulation of mementos was almost as meaningful as the entertainment center itself! My son and I had chosen the very heavy piece when he was a teenager. Then we proceeded to have a blast applying Tung oil to it. We’d invested much more than money. I value this one piece of furniture more than any other in our home because of the quality time that he and I spent working on it together.

As I was almost finished, my left hand encountered a couple of spiral notebooks standing up next to an old Bible in one of the three bottom sections. I’d had them for so long that I’d forgotten they were there. They measured 9 1/2 x 6 inches so they couldn’t have been used for school work. Funny how time often erases so much…but the bluish-green one seemed to fit comfortably in my hand. So, I opened it to a random page in the middle and began to read the vaguely familiar handwriting. Before I was finished, tears traced down my cheeks as I recognized something that I’d written many years ago.

Being truly honest – At this point, I’m actually wondering where that woman who wrote poetry is for she is seldom if ever seen these days. Perhaps she is more the person I SHOULD be…rather than the person I am. That thought may explain some of the tears. Either way, there I sat on the hard floor, in my scruffy sleepwear, with my spiked hair askew, and surrounded by dust still floating about in a room full of memories. There I sat – stunned by the fact that I sort of felt indicted by the simple act of dusting? Ive changed in so many ways! I do know one thing about me that hasn’t changed, however! My thoughts and feelings about Christmas have never wavered. It IS all about Jesus Christ…God’s gift to us…and still, in my mind, Christmas is best represented by the cross.

I heard myself asking God, “Why did I find this now? I don’t have the time to finish reading this. I still have so much to do to get ready!” And yet I couldn’t seem to put it down. What am I supposed to do with it? It’s old…like me…but it’s spoken to my heart even after all these years. Maybe I’m supposed to share it with others. So, that’s what I’m going to do here.

What interest is there in a Christmas poem written maybe thirty years ago? Probably none. None the less, here it is. Rather than putting it in print, however, I’ll read it to you. Please understand that poetry is often a surprise to those who write it. And, it’s always open to interpretation. I was given the “picture” and simply tried to use my own language to express what I saw. My words don’t do the story justice – but perhaps someone out there will benefit from hearing them.   THIS IS CHRISTMAS

“Merry Christmas to all! And to all…a good night!”

“Mom’s Room”

Display Table in Current Spot

It’s only fair to admit that it’s never been Mom’s Room at all. Regardless of what you call it, though, as I sit in my “office” (originally a formal dining room), from my chair, I look through the foyer and into what used to be the formal living room of the home that Guy T and I bought two decades ago. (Wow! Though I find it hard to imagine, that makes me pretty old.)

So, if it’s never actually been Mom’s room, why-in-the-heck…?

It’s sort of a long story so, I’ll likely be forced to tell it in pieces. The truth of the matter is that my original intent this morning had been to talk about…dusting, of all things! Well, not really dusting-but that’s where my thoughts headed before they were diverted?

I’ll work backwards, since memories are, in a sense, life lived backwards. Just before she left this earth, Mom had asked me to promise that, when she died and we got official “custody” of their home, we’d sell it and use the money for a new home. Being an obedient daughter, that’s exactly what we did.

When we found our lovely new nest, it seemed only fair to name one of the rooms “Mom’s Room”. So, the formal living room in the front of the house, was filled with some of her favorite furniture and “Mom’s Room” was born!

Picture the huge, long, blue, three-cushion couch against the far wall accented by an antique glass display table in the corner. Then, throw a lamp and sundry artistic items in the mix. Her curvaceous, wooden free-formed coffee table served as a lovely footstool. In the corner diagonal to the couch was a stately, modernish lime green chair which she’d reupholstered a couple of times. Tossed throughout the room were pillows and afghans in combinations of bright blue and lime green. Those were, you must understand, her favorite colors.

In 2002, when I received the diagnosis of ductile carcinoma, it was in Mom’s room that I suddenly found myself on my knees. No, I wasn’t talking to her but, it was much like kneeling beside her and resting my head on her lap…as I talked to God about my fears, inadequacy to carry the load, and to seek His guidance. In a sense, both were there with me. But that’s another story…for yet another time.